The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
