dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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