Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
