Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
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It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
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Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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