just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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