Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
