I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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