was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
