If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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