I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
