I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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