I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
