I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
