Ambien. No doubt about it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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