My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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