What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
