I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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