i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
