I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
