I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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