Porn is love you can see.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The air was thick with penises
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
