I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
