my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
