I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
