If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
