Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
