weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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