theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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