i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You pole danced in your parka.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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