just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
