all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
