I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
