Im at strip club and am horny
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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