Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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