mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
