Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
