dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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