I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
