glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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