My Higher Power is John Stamos
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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