Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
