If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
