I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
