addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
