Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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