I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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