Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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