No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
