dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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