please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
