its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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