life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
