Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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