I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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