I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
