So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
