i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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