you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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